friction

[blueskieslover]

Hi all,

I'm new the forum, but I've been stalki.. I mean lurking for a couple of years. Tonight I felt the most amount of friction with what I'm doing with my life than I ever have before. That is to say my unhappiness has peaked.

Do any of you ever get this feeling that something is wrong with your life? What do you do to rectify it?

Thanks

[Pointedstick]

I got this feeling last July when I made and followed through on one of the stupidest decisions of my life: to sell nearly all my property and move my family (wife, infant son, dog) into a small RV with the goal of saving $900 a month in rent costs as an "early retirement extreme" measure. We lasted one night before I realized just how awful of a mistake I had made. I found myself sobbing on the floor next to a screaming baby, a miserable-looking dog, and a shell-shocked wife as the meager air conditioner tried its best to keep us from melting in the 100 degree heat.

My sense is that when life is making you feel like you've hit rock bottom, it's telling you that you need to make some major changes, immediately!

That's exactly what I did. I realized that I was going insane in California, and this RV nonsense was an attempt to salvage the situation with some novelty and a higher savings rate. I sold the RV and the monster truck I bought to pull it on Craigslist. Then I quit my job and we decided to move to New Mexico and buy an affordable house, which we'd been dreaming about for years, with me expanding my internet-based small business for money. Well, it turned out that I was more valuable at work than I had imagined, and I was offered a permanent work-remotely position. And now, as I type this, I'm sitting in the kitchen/dining area/living room of the house I just purchased in cash--a house that I never would have been able to afford in California. Behind me is a stack of hardwood flooring that I'm planning to install myself in the next week or two. I feel incredible.

Don't let go of your feelings, blueskieslover. Don't let it dissipate into a generalized sense of dull misery that you live with for five more years before it overtakes you again. Grab yourself by the ballsack, punch yourself in the face, and be brutally honest about what you did that got you where you are. Then do the opposite thing, no matter how scary it seems. If you hate your job, quit it. If you hate your town, move somewhere else. If you hate your wife, divorce her. If you have $300,000 in undischargeable student loan debt from a PhD in comparative world religions, flee the country and start over somewhere else. I guarantee you that in six months, everything will be different and you'll be a thousand times happier.

[ozzy]

That's great advice PointedStick.  It sounds a lot like Harry Browne's "How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World".

This summer I plan on moving from Chicago to Tampa Bay Florida.  I’ve been dreaming about this my whole life and its finally all coming together now.  Sometimes you just got to do what you want.

"Freedom requires bold action." -Harry Browne.

[craigr]

To summarize pointedstick:

If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you get.

Life is great so enjoy it. If you don't enjoy it, try something different so you do enjoy it. Easier said than done, but even small changes can have a big impact over time.

[Mountaineer]

To summarize pointedstick:

If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you get.

Life is great so enjoy it. If you don't enjoy it, try something different so you do enjoy it. Easier said than done, but even small changes can have a big impact over time.

craigr,

I'm wondering what inspired your last sentence, the principle of compound interest or the butterfly effect hypothesis?   

... Mountaineer

[Wonk]

Pointedstick, definitely one of the most entertaining and useful posts I've seen in some time.  Thanks for that.

I constantly try to remind myself that time is running out.  We mourn those who pass, but sometimes we fail to make a connection that we're also 1 day/week/month/year closer to our own demise.  In this context, you tend to create the urgency that's necessary to make bold decisions that will ultimately lead to a happier, more fulfilling existence. 

Note: This message was typed with voice recognition software while I grabbed my ballsack and punched myself in the face 

[Libertarian666]

This is a great forum.  To the OP, I second PS's advice to make changes - as long as the difficulty you're experiencing is external and not internal.

PS:  That was a great post.  And I apologize for finding humor in a serious thread, but this line made me spit out my coffee, laughing:
"If you have $300,000 in undischargeable student loan debt from a PhD in comparative world religions, flee the country and start over somewhere else."

I'm not seeing the humor in that; it is perfectly correct advice for someone in a major jam, assuming that person can follow it. Can you clarify?

[Mountaineer]

Note: This message was typed with voice recognition software while I grabbed my ballsack and punched myself in the face 

Wimp.

I grabbed my face and punched myself in the ballsack.

Two more nominations for "quote of the month". 

... Mountaineer

[Tyler]

I have the same feeling after reading PS's post that I did after I first watched 300 -- I'm ready to kick ass and take names.  He can add inspirational speaker to the ERE skill list.

To build on his points, change for the sake of change sometimes has a honeymoon period that makes you feel better but wears off very quickly.  In his case it only took one night; in mine, I tried the job-hopping thing (5 employers in 5 years in the Bay Area) to keep myself motivated before I finally realized my issue was not the employer but the lifestyle.  I also left Silicon Valley for greener pastures on my own  trek towards life change and I don't regret that decision at all.  The most important step is to cut through the layers of inertia and justifications and uncover what is really wearing at you and holding you back.  Then relentlessly attack the roadblocks.  The process of taking control of your own happiness is itself quite fulfilling.

My only other addendum if you're in a bad spot is to always be aware of the signs of depression, and never be afraid to seek help.  Depression will cloud your judgment and inhibit your ability to take constructive action. 

Clear the mind, clean the slate, and grab life by the ballsack! 

[craigr]

To summarize pointedstick:

If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you get.

Life is great so enjoy it. If you don't enjoy it, try something different so you do enjoy it. Easier said than done, but even small changes can have a big impact over time.

craigr,

I'm wondering what inspired your last sentence, the principle of compound interest or the butterfly effect hypothesis?   

... Mountaineer

Just personal experience that it is sometimes not possible to do radical changes due to life circumstances, but a lot of small meaningful changes can lead to big positive change over time. So maybe we can call it the compound butterfly effect?

In the case of the poster above, if they are having friction they can try to see if small changes can break it at first, but sometimes you need a big change to radically alter the problem space and get a solution. So really only he can know what works for his situation...

[Pointedstick]

I have the same feeling after reading PS's post that I did after I first watched 300 -- I'm ready to kick ass and take names.  He can add inspirational speaker to the ERE skill list.

   

Thanks for all the good vibes, everyone.

One thing I'd like to totally agree with is the psychological value of having your finances under control. If I was hovering near broke, I never would have had the courage to take such risks. I'd still be miserable in a $1,700-a-month apartment with no washing machine and only one bedroom for three people.

And investing in the PP was very important in not only keeping me sane during that very stressful time, but also enabling the positive changes. The PP cash quadrant, in particular, was instrumental. I withdrew cash to pay for the RV and the truck, and replenished it (only partially; I still lost $7,000) when I sold them. Then I also withdrew cash to come up with the remainder of the funds needed to buy my house. As a result, none of these expenses destroyed my investment returns by forcing me to sell fallen assets or incur hefty capital gains taxes. And of course it's hard to overstate the value of having a stable and consistent investment portfolio to put in the "things that are still okay" column in your mental tally when it seems like everything is falling apart.

[annieB]

Nice move Pointedstick.Took some courage I know.
Good for you !

[ns3]

Do any of you ever get this feeling that something is wrong with your life? What do you do to rectify it?

Would probably be better to ask if anybody has ever had the feeling that everything is right with your life. And if you did, how many seconds and/or glasses of wine did it last?

Personally, I feel like there is nothing better than a mentally and physically challenging adventure to make me feel alive. Just before I turned 50 I got into long distance cycling and worked my way up to a 1,000 mile, 14-day ride from New Jersey to Maine. Along the way there were extreme lows of depression when I wanted to quit and exhilarating highs better than the best drugs, but at the end of it I felt like I could keep on going and cycle around the world and nothing could stop me. That feeling of extreme confidence, real and tested, sustained me for a lot of dark days ahead.

As for PS, the experience you described with the RV reminded me of when I thought I was called to the ministry in my younger years, sold everything and put my faith in God to provide for me and my family. Pretty damn stupid (and painful) looking back on it but you live and learn. I figure it gave God some comic relief so maybe it was worth it.

[blueskieslover]

Thanks to everyone who replied. Reading through all your posts made me feel immensely better.

For starters nothing has been decided. I'm not quitting my job, moving, or becoming a man of god... Yet.

Rather, I'm going to let things go from a rolling boil to a slow slimmer and let my emotions have a time to cool.

That being said, something will have to change eventually. I know I need some sense of accomplishment on a daily basis. Furthermore, work must become something more enjoyable. No matter how much I wish to dispute this, I cannot.

Some good has come of this strife. Im a minimalist when it comes to physical possessions, but I'm a hoarder of money. I have allowed myself to fall into the trap of allowing a computer balance to become my soveirgn. Knowing this I can work to counteract it, and ideally that is my first step towards becoming happier.

[ns3]

That being said, something will have to change eventually. I know I need some sense of accomplishment on a daily basis. Furthermore, work must become something more enjoyable. No matter how much I wish to dispute this, I cannot.

I would never go so far as to say I have "enjoyed" any work that I have ever done. I think it is possible to feel passionately about what you are doing and get some sense of accomplishment from it but "enjoy" it? I enjoy sex, travelling, food, drink, in no particular order but not work. Work is work and you do what you have to do. I don't expect anything else.

At least that's my opinion.

[Mountaineer]

Thanks to everyone who replied. Reading through all your posts made me feel immensely better.

For starters nothing has been decided. I'm not quitting my job, moving, or becoming a man of god... Yet.

Rather, I'm going to let things go from a rolling boil to a slow slimmer and let my emotions have a time to cool.

That being said, something will have to change eventually. I know I need some sense of accomplishment on a daily basis. Furthermore, work must become something more enjoyable. No matter how much I wish to dispute this, I cannot.

Some good has come of this strife. Im a minimalist when it comes to physical possessions, but I'm a hoarder of money. I have allowed myself to fall into the trap of allowing a computer balance to become my soveirgn. Knowing this I can work to counteract it, and ideally that is my first step towards becoming happier.

For me, I always feel best when doing something in my various vocations (work, husband, father, uncle, yard keeper, friend, etc.) when I can see a connection between what I am doing and making someone else joyful or at least meeting their needs.  Whenever I'm doing something that only benefits me, I do it but there is not as much joy.  However, most of my "jobs" have been appealing and most of my relationships with friends and family have been great; for that I am truly thankful.  I do strongly endorse the idea that when young and flexible, one should do their best to find employment they enjoy so as to maximize the potential for a life of not viewing work as drudgery - money is important but not at the top of the satisfaction list in my opinion.  If you do not have the luxury of a fulfilling job, I think it is very important to find satisfaction in your other vocations to avoid despair; for me, that would be hanging out with others who understand that ultimately Jesus is the only one we can really count on, for others it might be teaching people to read, etc.  So, after all that blathering, best wishes for you finding a long, productive, fulfulling career(s) that brings you joy and peace.

... Mountaineer

[Libertarian666]

That being said, something will have to change eventually. I know I need some sense of accomplishment on a daily basis. Furthermore, work must become something more enjoyable. No matter how much I wish to dispute this, I cannot.

I would never go so far as to say I have "enjoyed" any work that I have ever done. I think it is possible to feel passionately about what you are doing and get some sense of accomplishment from it but "enjoy" it? I enjoy sex, travelling, food, drink, in no particular order but not work. Work is work and you do what you have to do. I don't expect anything else.

At least that's my opinion.

I certainly have had work that I enjoyed. Not all the time in any job, and not any of the time in some jobs, but I can absolutely get joy from creating and implementing a new algorithm that is better than anything else around. Squeezing the last CPU cycle out of an inner loop is something everyone should do sometime. :-)

[edsanville]

Then I quit my job and we decided to move to New Mexico and buy an affordable house, which we'd been dreaming about for years, with me expanding my internet-based small business for money.

What made you choose New Mexico, if I might ask?

[blueskieslover]

That being said, something will have to change eventually. I know I need some sense of accomplishment on a daily basis. Furthermore, work must become something more enjoyable. No matter how much I wish to dispute this, I cannot.

I would never go so far as to say I have "enjoyed" any work that I have ever done. I think it is possible to feel passionately about what you are doing and get some sense of accomplishment from it but "enjoy" it? I enjoy sex, travelling, food, drink, in no particular order but not work. Work is work and you do what you have to do. I don't expect anything else.

At least that's my opinion.

I certainly have had work that I enjoyed. Not all the time in any job, and not any of the time in some jobs, but I can absolutely get joy from creating and implementing a new algorithm that is better than anything else around. Squeezing the last CPU cycle out of an inner loop is something everyone should do sometime. :-)

In this regard you are right. I don't believe I'll be ecstatic for work at any point in life. However being able to practice an activity that I enjoy as I work would be a great benefit. As an example I enjoy public speaking and teaching. Being able to get in front of a class would satisfy both of those.

[Pointedstick]

Then I quit my job and we decided to move to New Mexico and buy an affordable house, which we'd been dreaming about for years, with me expanding my internet-based small business for money.

What made you choose New Mexico, if I might ask?

In rough order:
Proximity to family, laid-back, live-and-let-live attitude, dramatically lower real estate prices, lower property, income, and sales taxes, four seasons but none of them too extreme, permissive gun laws and ease of carrying a concealed firearm, acceptance (legal and mental) of earthen structures, beautiful high desert landscapes.

Compared to other contenders:
Less conservative and better climate than Texas or Arizona. Less liberal than Colorado. Not dominated by Mormons like Utah (nothing against Mormons; I love 'em and my best friend is a Mormon, but it's not my culture and I'd never feel at home). More social than Nevada. Warmer and less conservative than anything farther north.

I did give up certain advantages like no income taxes (Texas and Nevada), and permitless concealed carry (Arizona) but those were reasonable sacrifices in my mind.